Death is not So Bad After All

'I want to sleep and never wake up again' is the only thing I can think of right now. I'm tired...of everything. Sometimes I just wish that I'm the only person in the world so no one will make me cry, no one will make me angry, no one will hurt me... and even though there'll be no one who will care about me, it wouldn't matter at all.. because I know that I'm all alone.

I expect something, I have dreams... but I can't chase it coz I'm busy helping other peeps' dreams. Silly me... but I can't do anything after all coz it seems like they are all matters more than my dream.

Like this thing my dad asked me to do.. He's been asking me since I started my college and since then I determined to graduate just to fulfill my dad's request, which is to help him in the office.. so I am now... Before I started here, I have many other choices and even one of them is the job I've been dreaming of since my childhood, to be a teacher. But I have to turned it down because I promised my dad that I will work with him.. it's not what I want, but maybe it's the right thing to do. By working here, I can gain experiences, meet new peeps, have business opportunities, good money and in the future maybe I can support my family. Maybe this is the right thing to do...... but I know, this is definitely not what I want.

I asked my dad can I resign from this job.. then he asked back "why?" I simply answered "Because I don't like the job" and at the same time I continued it in my head "and because this is not me.. this is you" then he reminded me again the reason why he asked me in the first place. I've never forget about it... in fact, it's the only reason I can stay in this job for whole year. He told me not to be burden by this job, hell I told him that I've felt that burden since the first day. Sure, I meet some new friends, some are nice n funny, some are jerks but... yea, I can hang on to it but not for the rest of my life! He didn't answer my question, he just sent me out of his office coz he'll have a meeting with some peeps. Once again, after few tries... I still don't have an answer.

Some of my friends think that I'm lucky because I don't have to worry about my future. They are the kind of friends that don't know anything about me. I've always thought that I'm blessed to have parents like mine.. well I still am but not for the same reason. I used to think that not all teens have freedom like mine. Their parents used to tell them what they should like, what they shouldn't like, what should they choose for college.. but me... I was always free to choose my own life. I chose my own school for JHS.. well not for the High school though.. it's pure a mistake but for the rest, up until I graduated and get my bachelor degree, I chose it myself.

Maybe for now I can try to stay here after all I'm not sure what I really want to do. All I want is to have my own income so I can spend my own money without making any burden to anyone. I've always been that -independent- girl who so-to-speak "can live without men." but currently, I don't know what should I decide for my own life. Do I need to stay here, work for something I can't enjoy at all and save my somewhat good-income (which I spend only 1/6 of it rarely) for emergency stuff/for my family? Or should I quit and find another job that I can enjoy but with less income? One thing for sure, I really hope I don't work for any related family anymore. It really sucks when people don't recognize what you've achieved and only see the 'nepotism'.