In Sickness

I've called in sick today. It's not about my physical condition though, I think it's more about my inside-feelings.
Have been thinking too much lately. DS is the only way to get rid of those thoughts.

But today, I have a nice surprise. One of my colleague text-messaged me and what he said there somehow touched me. He only asked "Why don't you come today, miss? Are you sick? :)" I know it's a very simple gesture but it made me smile... once he also the only one who praised me when I'm wearing lip gloss for the first time to the office, he sent a text message for me although we're just 2 desks away. I still remember the message, "You look even prettier with that lipgloss ;D"
Meanwhile, my significant other gives me a real attention today, but I just don't feel anything anymore. The more he gives, the more I pull away.. but the more he pulls, I pull away even more.

I feel guilty... but I don't know why I act like this. I've never fall for another guy when I'm in a relationship with a man. Am I just looking for fun? Or.. am I now afraid of commitment? Do I want to run? Do I need to stay?

.......I blame the past.